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The other day I saw a bee and it was going quite fast. It made me wonder how fast a bee can actually go.
Is it the same speed as a wasp?
What exactly is a wasp?
In one of his books, Charlie Brooker outlined a similar conundrum; as he was going about the everyday, boring life of a 36-year-old man it suddenly occurred to him that he didn't know what rice was.
"Is it a fruit?" he pondered.
"Is it a vegetable?"
After a moment of further consideration he eventually came to the conclusion that rice is probably a grain and his concerns were immediately pacified.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I have just submitted a cartoon to Newgrounds which I hope will challenge the very fabric of what it is you thought you think you know about and about what it is you thought you think you knew (but didn't).
This cartoon was devilishly fun to make and if I get enough angry reviews I promise to start work on an immediate sequel.
Oh, if you do watch this joyous cartoon and it's not quite to your liking then here are a few 'toons that caught my eye over the festive season:
I was going to embed an hilarious You-Tube clip but I've just been that told it's not an "allowed" site.
Instead, I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very late Merry Christmas and a spiritually prosperous New Year.
-Sorbitol (Tempest) Onassis.
P.S: How fast is a bee?
Sorry to do a Front-Page-Thingy for something like this but I'm desperate to the point of wanting to die.
I set this weekend aside to finish off a little bit of soulless freelance work (which makes me want to die) and to get the main bulk of a cartoon I've been toiling over for four months done.
Just as the finish line is in sight I am bludgeoned into submission by a technical problem.
Basically, for some reason when I try to play a swf. file it only opens with Flash Player 7. Because Flash Player 7 is so out-dated the swf.'s won't play properly, often giving me nothing but a blank screen.
My first idea was to re-install Flash Player 10 but the problem persisted.
Next I tried to uninstall any existing Flash Players with this download:
I downloaded the Windows version, uninstalled ALL Flash Players then RE-installed Flash Player 10.
But still, when I try to open a swf. the window is blank and Flash Player 7 is written on the top.
Weirdly, when I checked my Flash Player version here (http://www.newgrounds.com/lit/faq/)
it says that I have Flash Player version 10.0.22.87, which is the latest version.
So why then does my computer insist on opening swf.'s with Flash Player 7?
(Which, to my knowledge, has been uninstalled.)
Is there a way to FORCE Flash to recognise Flash Player 10?
I'm really sorry to do this but I'm a desperate man. Hopefully this post may also help someone else out in a similar predicament.
P.S: Seeing as I'm here, I'd like to take this opportunity to plug my lowest scoring cartoon so far. So dreadful was this creation considered by some that the API ads were disabled. I personally think it's a valuable contribution to the endless slew of Video Game Parodies as it contains a hidden message and a Steven Seagal reference:
UPDATE!: I'll was going to delete this post once I got an answer but I'm getting some more views and favourites on my stupid cartoon so I'll postpone the termination of this useless news post until tomorrow (the whole world is my home).
Maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that my computer fucked up afterall!
POWER TO THE COSMOS, YOU CRAZY FUCKERS! :D
Jas-Mann, I know it's unlikely that you're reading this or that you will even hear these words but I feel as though I need to make amends. Hopefully one of your friends will see this and let you know.
As long ago as 1996 when I was still at school my then girlfriend, Dee, was a massive fan of your band. She was a Goth and found your dark, glam-rock spacey rhythms very appealing- as did the millions of people who bought your first album.
While everyone derided your success because your song featured on a Levi's commercial Dee was one of the few people in the world who stuck by you. She was like that.
Even when you gave interviews proclaiming that you were a genius and that Babylon Zoo were one of the most important bands in the world Dee and many more of your fans supported you.
I feel ashamed to admit that I was one of your detractors. In fact I thought you were rotten.
I hated the wide-eyed, toothy performance you gave on Top Of The Pops when it was revealed that your first hit, "Space-Man", wasn't a trippy techno anthem as the intro implied but a chugging, dirge-like slab of guitars. And this is coming from a boy who usually loves that sort of thing.
It transpired that your entire first album was an independent, effects-ridden swirl of guitar noise and it was actually pretty good. But, you see, at the time I didn't want to admit it.
Dee lent me the album (she bought it on cassette on the day of release) and lent it to me in exchange for a Jesus Jones CD.
The reasons that I agreed to this exchange were two-fold:
1. I wanted to convince Dee that Jesus Jones were the best band in the world.
2. I wanted to take the piss out of your music.
There was actually a time when me and my mate Matt (you remember him?) went into the local Virgin Megastore and moved all of your albums from the "B" section into the Country and Western section to effectively destroy your sales. Sadly, it seems to have worked.
I understand from Wikipedia that you may or may not be living in India or New York. Where ever you are I must let you know that your first album, "The Boy With The X-Ray Eyes", was actually quite good.
But the arrogance that you displayed in your interviews at the time made you a laughing stock with both myself and Matt and the rest of the world. It was impossible to take you seriously no matter how good the album was.
But you have moved on now as have I.
I hope that we can put all of this behind us.
I read a You Tube comment on one of your videos from a guy that says he is currently in a relationship with your ex-wife and is raising your child. I hope that this is not true.
Incidentally, I haven't seen Dee now for over 5 years but I have a feeling that where ever she is she stills listens to your music. In fact the only reason I searched for your songs on You Tube was to remind me of those times.
This was the moment your career evaporated:
But forget all that. This is how I expect you want to be remembered:
I'm sorry Jas-Mann, if it was indeed all my fault.
The other day I made up a joke. Or at least I think I did. There is a very real possibility that I have sub-consciously plagiarised it from elsewhere, much as the Rolling Stones have been accused of plagiarising their sound from black rhythm and blues artists without really knowing it.
As a result the set-up and punch line may seem familiar to some. Or perhaps not.
Q. What cheese isn't yours?
A. Nacho cheese (Not your cheese).
As you can see the set-up is very badly worded and doesn't present a very coherent opportunity for humour. "What cheese isn't yours", is also ambiguous, to wit, surely any cheese that you haven't already purchased or been given isn't yours. Already we're off to a bad start.
To dumbfound events further we have a punch line that doesn't really scan. This is made all the more obvious by the fact that I've felt the need to emphasise the punch-line by adding a clarification in brackets, to wit, "(Not your cheese)."
The only thing that could add insult to injury here would be to phonetically represent my themes thus: "Not Cho'cheese."
Plagiarised or not I think that you'll agree that I haven't done the joke any justice. At all.
My second stab at humour is a contemporary one insofar that it involves the popular brother\sister pop-combo The Corrs.
Let's see if I have any luck this time...
Q. Why are The Corrs called The Corrs?
A. Because every time you buy one of their records you give a bit of money towards "the cause".
So, this time the set-up was a lot smoother than before and an opportunity for humour was a reasonable presumption. However, I make the same mistake of adding a clarification which not only highlights the weakness of my material but also means that perhaps the joke can only be appreciated when written down and read as opposed to being yelled out in a pub.
Also, once the punch-line is delivered it may not be obvious to everyone what "the cause" actually is. In this context I would like to make clear that "the cause" is a reference to illegal funding of the I.R.A which was common-most from 1922 many years after the Irish first started to emigrate to America (from around 1816).
This may require some previous historical or political knowledge on behalf of your audience beforehand for the joke to work.
It is also unlikely that listeners of The Corrs' music will share this insight and may find the explanation of said punch-line to be a little bit upsetting.
Regardless, I hope that you have as much fun telling theses jokes to your friends as I have had sharing them with you.
Keep on smiling! :)